Finding out I’m pregnant

Dear kids,

A few years ago I read a book from a journalist to his kids explaining why he’d been so absent.

As I thought about writing about my postpartum experience one of the ideas was to write this to explain to you what happened. As most moms, I had a LOT of guilt about not feeling great.

Especially as I don’t have a full-time job and for some reason there is a lot of judgment and comments around this in 2021. Most Mom’s work. In this country and worldwide. As women, we’ve fought for this. Not me specifically. I actually would love to advocate otherwise. Not for us NOT to work but for moms to have more flexibility and care. When they are pregnant, during postpartum and also if you choose to breastfeed. Either way, postpartum is a very delicate phase and in the United States there are currently no laws protecting us. No laws allowing even a day off once you’ve delivered. And this breaks my heart.

I am very illiterate in laws, how to make them, who decides, and how to go about them. Maybe one day I’ll get more into it. I have a sister that’s a lawyer. More on that later.

It all began on NYE 2019-2020. We were at Dads family home in Naples and they were serving a round of shots and my body told me not to drink it and I immediately thought to myself: “Am I pregnant?”

I knew before the test showed us with Mathias too. I had been teaching a yoga class and I felt something I’d never felt inside my belly and I knew. The pregnancy and blood test later confirmed for Richard and I. It was quick. We had just returned from our honeymoon in 2018 and Richard told me “it doesn’t happen this soon. You must be imagining it.”

But I knew. Just like that New Years eve I suddenly knew too. So I used Mathias and his fear for noises as an excuse to sneak out of the party and go to sleep. Something I’d become a pro at doing his first year of life.

Photo by Markus Winkler on

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