I felt like a zombie. I couldn’t think straight. I felt my body tense and weak at the same time. I wanted to sleep but couldn’t. My emotions were all over the place. I felt like I had the biggest dark cloud above me and all around me and inside of me. I felt heavy. I wasn’t hungry.
I knew I needed and should do a lot of things but I didn’t want to and didn’t know how to start and what to do first. I didn’t know if I should be alive feeling this way. But I didn’t want to hurt Richard, the kids or my family and friends. It was the hardest morning and Richard asked me again if I needed help and I said yes. I had no clue what else to do and how to get out of it.
So after we walked Mathias to his camp we came back home. And we sat in our bedroom and he started calling my OBGYN, our pediatrician, and our insurance, which was the most helpful. My OBGYN sent us to a hotline that didn’t respond immediately. My pediatrician recommended a number of a community psychologist. Our insurance did a quick survey to assess my feelings and recommended we go to the ER room as seeing a psychiatrist, which was their recommendation, could take a couple of weeks to book depending on Drs availability. By the way, to this date my OBGYN office never called to check in on me after seeing me and charging me the normal high rates during my pregnancy. How convenient that they can call me to charge me a late fee but not to check-in on their patient that is having suicidal thoughts and seek for help. I feel fortunate and privileged to have the husband I do who had the courage to seek for professional help and to have Drs and insurances to call. I worry for Moms who don’t have this. Single moms. Or moms that don’t have supportive husbands, family or friends. It does take a village. And I have a strong one, thankfully.
So the recommendation was to go to an ER room and the closest one to us is Mercy hospital so we decided to drive there after picking up Mathias from camp and dropping him off home with E who worked with us two times a week at that time and comes everyday since the hospital episode thanks to my sisters who are supporting us with this.